I had a crappy day yesterday. I came home to find that I’ve been fined $405 dollars for running through a red light a couple weeks ago and given 3 demerit points (for those of you unfamililar with demerit points, it’s akin to a ‘strike’ against your name — it’s a penalty points scheme). What stings is that I didn’t do it on purpose. I ran the red because I was wholly oblivious to it, driving home late at night, vision distorted behind a aqueous lens of tears. I ran the red because I was emotional and teary at the time.
I wanted to talk to someone about it, but didn’t know who. At times when I’m emotional and irrational (they naturally go hand-in-hand), it feels like I have a great many acquaintances, but not many friends I can turn to. The people you can just call up randomly, without a particular agenda, for no other purpose but just to chat about something tangible.
I do have a few friends I could’ve turned to, but there is this sweeping sense of bother, and pride, that butts in and prevents me from doing so. To talk about shit that’s bothering me. Why is it that I’m happy to share about mundane, seemingly insignificant rubbish on Twitter etc but not something that is all-too-important and meaningful? But maybe this is it. Maybe I just answered my own question.
My family know about the driving offence, but I didn’t really talk to them about the true nature of it all. Shit bit silly y’all.
I think about the ‘friends’ I’ve had over my life. I can’t help but think about how many were and are simply friends of convenience. Calling upon help when they needed assistance (“can you help me out with this assignment dude?”), but then not engaging on any other level or time. Then I wonder whether I’m the same kind of person — taking advantage of people when needed and then forgetting them later. Yes, I can recall some instances when I’ve done this myself — but it feels as though I haven’t been as bad as the others.
Anyway, this is just rambling. I almost didn’t publish this post. But you know what? I’ve decided that I should be authentic and honest.
This post was originally written on 28th August, 2013 at approximately 8:34pm.